My Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard

My Instagram feed has recently been flooded with images of smoothies. The captions usually read something like, “My morning kombucha-matcha-chia-banana kick! #Instasmootie #Yum #CleanEating #HealthyLiving #ImSoFuckingSuperior #InstaImBetterThanYou” and the picture is of some mottled slop in a mason jar (always in a mason jar), somewhere in the colour range of Lake Ontario and the Crypt Keeper’s skin tone.

Now, I hold nothing against those who drink smoothies. You are only annoying at the second tier of Instagramming. Usually, these same people also have one of two versions of the same photo: The Fitness Pose- Yogis vs. Crossfitters style. They’re either doing Crow Pose at the top of some Costa Rican mountain with a sunset (or actually, probably sunrise) in the background, or they’ve posted videos of themselves swinging 40 pound kettleballs over their face, which has an inherent spoiler alert in that if they dropped said kettleball on their face, they probably wouldn’t post the video. (Well actually, maybe they would.) Either way, they probably both have a Pin somewhere that reads, “Strong is the new skinny.”

You know what? Good for those people. They obviously beat me in all sorts of character measures, such as drive, self-control, self-motivation, and ability to commit to even one thing in life. And really, who am I to judge? I went through a bit of a fitness phase. I smoothied. Sometimes I still do. The sad difference with me is that I choke my smoothie back thinking “I wish this was a bagel with cream cheese SO BADLY.” And I expect to lose at least one dress size after two days of smoothies for breakfast in a row, because yet another one of my character flaws is the expectation of instant gratification. Ultimately, I’m back to my Diet Coke and bagel for breakfast, the aspartame flooding my brain with happy feelings.

So you know what I think is the new skinny? Living your goddamn life. And in the summer, you know what you really want to do is drink a milkshake! And as much as I love the McDonald’s Dollar Drink days for my Diet Coke fix, the syrupy and possibly chemically-altered milkshake of your youth will just not cut it, now that we are GROWNUPS. So here is a nice little grownup milkshake recipe.

Lavender Rosewater Milkshake

• Two Four scoops of great ice cream (I’m a classic vanilla girl myself- don’t read too much into that- but you can get creative if you wish)
• Somewhere around a cup of really great milk (Not skim, don’t be an asshole)
• Little shake of lavender, plus a little more for garnish
• Splash of rosewater

Blend all your ingredients in a blender or with an immersion blender (for those of you that haven’t used that Magic Bullet since you ordered it, plus The Insanity Fitness System-“I WILL be strong and skinny!!”- in that moment of self-loathing on your couch at 2 am, now would be the good time to haul it out). Top with a little dash of lavender. Serve very chilly. Dance to a little Kelis. And don’t forget to Instagram the shit out of it- #YouKnowYouWantIt #InstaYum #YOLO #HYFR