Sunday, 27 January 2013

She may have lobster marbles, butter cooking's pretty good!


Welcome to the live blog-cast of our butter poaching lobster experience! Sister and I have decided to simultaneously blog from our respective kitchens this fabulous recipe and hilarious read on Deadspin’s Foodspin.

Here we go! 
This is our first live blog ever, where we actually publish as we go. Therefore, you cannot hold the typos against us. We are literate, we are just also trying to poach lobster tails in butter and the same time, and this is complicated. Also related, I am sure there is some sort of fancy way we could publish this as a continuous flow, but I don’t know how to do that. So, you will just have to continue to hit your “refresh” button if you want to follow along with us. Fun! Are you ready, Kelly?

I'm ready! I'll be typing in bold font so that you can tell who is who. Follow me along on Twitter also (@kellllybeth) for further updates. Let's do this!

First things first. I have to quickly scrub up my stove top because dear God, there are sure to be photos taken and I don't want the Twitterverse to see yesterday's bolognese. I also have to get my drink in hand. Tonight I'll be trying a local pale ale from Barley Days which is located in lovely Picton. Awesome! 

Good work Sister, yes, clean up that stove top! I have a nice chilled white wine to drink while we do this, if I can get it together enough to pour myself a glass. First step: 7:01 pm-  My menu is a nice lobster tail with hasselback potatoes and snow peas. Let’s getting started. According to the very wise Albert Burneko, “cram your ego down into a drawer and buy small lobster tails instead of gaudy enormous ones”. Okay Albert, done and done. Luckily on my expedition for lobster, which took me careening around the town to several stores, I finally found exactly two small lobster tails in a Metro. Luckily I am a spinster and am not cooking this meal to impress anyone; thusly my ego was not bruised. 

Extracted flesh.
7:04: My menu is surf and turf: tenderloin cooked in cast iron, lobster tails, and steamed broc. Simple but delish! By the by, I used to work at Red Lobster, y'all. Better watch out. I know my crustaceans. I purchased two lovely rock lobster tails at Farm Boy, my culinary heaven. They have been thawing all afternoon. Now to break out that unsalted butter....

7:07: Oh, also: I don't really understand that instruction about boiling one or two tablespoons of water. That didn't even cover the bottom of my pot. So I did about a quarter of a cup instead. Hoping I haven't destroyed this already. 

7:09: Okay. I have removed the flesh from shell. According to instructions: “The next step is to extract the gelatinous blobs of semi-translucent horror from their shells. This will be much easier (although still a little bit of an annoying chore) if you had the wisdom to buy the kinds of frozen lobster tails that have already had their shells split lengthwise prior to freezing.” 

I did not have previously split shells. This was accomplished with kitchen shears and a knife. And my fingers. And also allowing lobster juice to spray from one end of my kitchen to another. now on to the water in the pot... 
Lobster tail bits

7:12: I have also extracted the meat with some kitchen shears and they look like little aliens. Blechhh. Water is boiling. Time to whisk the bejeesus out of some butter, even though I don't have a whisk. 

7:14- I added white wine instead of water. Yikes. According to the recipe, we start with a tablespoon or two of water in a saucepan. We have been duly warned in the recipe that this will seem ridiculous, and in fact it does. Apparently neither Kelly nor I could do it. But I am also going to add a little minced garlic to the pot, because I feel like it will add flavour and I am bad at following explicit instructions. I hope to God this does not destroy the entire meal. We now add the butter blob by blob and whisk our hearts out. Let’s refer to the recipe: “Four things are very important, here: 1) The heat under your pan must be very low throughout this process (not quite the lowest setting on the stove, but close; you want to keep your butter between 160 and 180 degrees, if possible). 2) The butter you use must be genuinely cold when you add it to the pan. 3) You must add only one tablespoon-or-so-sized hunk of butter at a time. 4) You must not stop whisking for longer than the time it takes you to wag your whisking hand, run it through your hair, and mutter, "I fucking hate this shit." (NB: I am quoting. Sorry for the explicit language. You should note however, the language being used in my kitchen currently is, in fact, far worse. Good thing we didn’t YouTube this.) Things might get quiet here people. Both Kelly and I must whisk. But according to Mummy, who is watching this (Hi mummy!) , Kelly doesn't have a whisk. True or false, sister?

7:20: It's true, I have no whisk. I am using a fork like a loser. Also I am not seeing how this is all that different from melted butter, and how you typed that novel while still whisking is beyond me! I still have one hand in the pot and no typing skills akjsafkasdbaldma.......

7:22: I just copied and pasted from Deadspin most it! Must whisk... 

7:25: Getting nervous. Butter not deep enough yet for my alien creatures. Cripes, why did I only buy one block of butter! #firstworldproblems

7:31- I'm sweating! Also, my butter is not deep enough yet either. 

7:34- I'm doubting my emulsification. Blame it on the garlic?

Lasting longer than Nam. 
7:35: Still whisking....But I admit, the butter does look glorious! 
This is what non-emulsification looks like. 

7:37- Kelly! Your butter is amazing. Mine is nothing like that velvet you've got. Gah. I forgot to buy fresh lemons. What kind of an idiot serves seafood without a fresh lemon! I am mortified but I will have to either use the lemon juice in my fridge or use a fresh lime. I’ll go with the fresh lime. Kell, I bet you did not make this fatal error. Mummy, are you horrified?

7:39: Ha! Bailey I'm worse than you because I fully looked at the lemons in the store and decided I didn't really need them. But at least I didn't add garlic to my velvety butter. Silly girl. 

7:42: My iPhone is too greasy to use! Kelly wins Battle Emulsify. 

7:47: Oh god, my phone is covered in grease, my keyboard is covered in grease, and so is my housecoat. But the lobster tails are in the pool! They are juuuust barely submerged but I literally melted all the butter in the house so I had to proceed. I now have 8 minutes to get my steaks hot and ready! 

7:53- Good lord I am glad I skipped cooking the steak! My potato set off the smoke alarm because I forgot about it! But I have submerged the tails in the butter. Yay! This is happening. We must not touch the tails. We must only allow them to cook. 5-8 minutes. This gives me ample time to swig back some wine.

7:56: Must resist urge to poke and prod tails. 

8:01- I believe my tails are done. Please don't be mad at me, Albert Burneko. I tried.

8:04: So in trying to use my cast iron for the first time, I filled the whole kitchen with smoke and set off the alarm. I also smoked out a mouse, I suppose, since I saw one run past me. This lobster better be worth it. 

Mummy: Um, Ladygirls, the hardest thing I've ever done in my life is to watch this blog and resist the urge to jump in and boss and cajole. I'm only coming on now because there are smoke alarms going off and Kelly seems to be cooking at a hot stove in a flammable housecoat! So I just want to tell the two of you to be careful and also to extend my apologies to Albert on behalf of the girls that cannot follow explicit instructions! I thought your recipe was marvelous and if I weren't deathly allergic to lobster, I would have followed it exactly!

8:12- Hhahahahahahhahahahah Just read the Twitter feed of the REAL chef, @albertburneko.... We have failed him. But I swear it tastes amazing! 

8:15: Trying to think how to turn all this melted butter into a sauce. Add an egg yolk? Hmm...

8:16- Sister? Sister? Did you add an egg yolk?

8:19: I did! But it didn't do anything. In any case, this tastes awesome! My cast iron steaks and butter poached lobster are so fab. Too bad my broccoli is stone cold. Oh well. Can't have it all!
The finished product. Damn, it feels good to be a gangster. 
Bailey's finished product... At least there's wine?

1 comment:

  1. This is hilarious and I'm sure the lobster is going to taste great. That being said, you should promise to do this again and nail the recipe.

    There's no room for hubris when it comes to Foodspin.